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Ho ho ho…or maybe not
The holidays are creeping around the corner and I’ve asked the kids to make their Christmas wish lists now so I can budget early. Yeah, I don’t play that “one night Santa miraculously visits everyone’s house and gives them everything their heart desires” crap. I tell my kiddos the real deal. Mommy and Daddy work hard 365 days a year to try to get you what you want, but don’t always deserve. Santa stories are for woosies.
Anyway, between a busted transmission and a broken refrigerator, it’s an easy guess the pickings under the tree will be slim this year. I instructed each child to make a list of their top ten, but expect a solid three they might actually receive.
As for me and my husband,well, aside from the makeshift craft gifts our kids give us, we actually haven’t given one another more than three gifts each, Christmas or otherwise, in the last five years. Gift giving between the two of us has become like sex in our relationship – near nonexistent.
Cruise Escapades
First impression..why are there more Filipino workers on this boat than there are Filipinos in all of Austin? I kept expecting some guest to ask me for fresh towels or to take their order. And why does this ship resemble a 1970’s casino?
Gayribbean…no, I did not make that word up. While I was booking the cruise I was so concerned with affordability I didn’t realize I had booked us on a Gayribbean Cruise. That was the official name. A few hundred gay guys…I’m from San Francisco so it actually took me two days to notice. All good, it wasn’t a bad thing.
Eye candy…I seemed to serve as the eye candy for a lot of the black men on board and in some cruel circle of a joke many of the gay men served as my eye candy.
On using the bathroom…the first time we heard a ship toilet flush
one of the girls was supposed to be taking a shower. It’s a scary sound and we had no idea what it was. I had to send in my oldest son to make sure his sister didn’t get swallowed up by the ship.
Sail and Sign card…the ship ran cashless so you had to charge everything to your room key/Sail and Sign card which was linked to your credit card. My husband was so excited in the first 3o hours he spent $156.00 on drinks for himself. I took away his Sail and Sign card the second night and told him to find another way to be that happy.
Silly things we find amusing…while watching the girls swim on the boat my husband and I watched a four year old boy, who weighed an easy 70 plus pounds, go down the five foot tall mini waterslide at least three dozen times. Each time he slid down the entire front row of sunbathers would get drenched. His oblivious mother kept egging him on once more.
Hairy man contest…this was a real event. There’s nothing like watching heavy and hairy middle aged men, to be exact; a plumber, an A/C guy, an IT manager, and a UPS driver, gyrate shirtless to Dancing Queen by ABBA.
Hip hop dance class..throw on a jumpsuit, wear a pair of Adidas shoes with the fat laces, chew gum from the right side of your mouth, say you’re from Puerto Rico and voila! You have a certified cruise hip hop dance instructer.
Meeting people when you’re drunk…my husband’s first night on the boat he met a guy named Ted. They chatted it up, ran into one another several times, and we actually spent a day in Cozumel with him. It wasn’t until the third day he finally told my husband, “My name is actually Tay, not Ted. I didn’t realize I would end up hanging out with you so much so I didn’t bother correcting you, but I figured if you wanted to keep in touch you should probably know my real name.”
Catamaran sailing..on an excursion in Mexico we were provided with free unlimited margaritas, although they were completely watered down. Caught in the moment, I let my son have his first sip of alcohol. Just as he was taking a sip we passed another boat full of nude people. There was my fourteen year old sipping a margarita and looking at several sets of breasts and then some….talk about walking him into manhood. I tried to get him to close his eyes but he was not trying to hear me one bit.
Afterthought…being on a Carnival cruise line is a lot like being at a week long party on a vessel that resembles Circus Circus with lots of drunk people. We had a ton of fun, but next time around I’m saving up for a Disney cruise. It might be more family friendly.
A teenager’s camping checklist
My almost 19 year old son went camping with a large group of his friends this past weekend. Of course, it was only 10 minutes away up by Lake Travis but still. This was my nightly text checklist for him.
- Did you pack enough clothes? Should Mommy bring you more clothes?
- Keep your butt clean, did you grab toilet paper from the house? Better yet just drive home if you have to do a number two.
- Are you drinking? Stupid question. Don’t drink and swim. Promise me.
- No cliff jumping at night!
- Don’t start a forest fire. Don’t let Ethan and them start a forest fire either.
- Don’t share your sleeping bag with anybody..no girls in your sleeping bag or I will be very mad at you. Don’t make Mommy go there and tell some girl to keep her hands to herself.
- Who is feeding you? You come home if you’re hungry.
I love you. Be safe. Mom.
By the way, he did drive home everytime he had to do a number two.
Traffic stoppers
Early yesterday evening there was especially heavy traffic at Hwy 290. Come to find out that at the exit there were two HOT men trying to fix a flat. One of them had taken off his shirt and was only wearing his slacks, the second one continued to wear his shirt but loosely, completely unbuttoned and untucked. Every woman and girl in their car was breaking neck to get a glimpse of these super hot Texas men, including myself. Hubba, hubba. Had I not been drooling so hard I would have had the better sense to join several women in taking their pictures on my camera phone. That’s OK, I’ve locked their images in my memory.
Check out my interview on Road Trip Nation, ‘A Single Mom’s Story’
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