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Categories: asthma, Cheap, cheap thrills, Crazy, doctor visits, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Funny, Hot men, humor, husband, Lack of sex, Lessons, Life, Marriage, Sex, trying not to die, Women

A teenager’s camping checklist

October 24, 2010 Leave a comment

My almost 19 year old son went camping with a large group of his friends this past weekend. Of course, it was only 10 minutes away up by Lake Travis but still. This was my nightly text checklist for him.

  • Did you pack enough clothes? Should Mommy bring you more clothes?
  • Keep your butt clean, did you grab toilet paper from the house? Better yet just drive home if you have to do a number two.
  • Are you drinking? Stupid question.  Don’t drink and swim. Promise me.
  • No cliff jumping at night!
  • Don’t start a forest fire. Don’t let Ethan and them start a forest fire either.
  • Don’t share your sleeping bag with anybody..no girls in your sleeping bag or I will be very mad at you. Don’t make Mommy go there and tell some girl to keep her hands to herself.
  • Who is feeding you? You come home if you’re hungry.

I love you. Be safe. Mom.

By the way, he did drive home everytime he had to do a number two.

Categories: alcohol, Cheap, cheap thrills, College, Crazy, Dysfunctional, humor, Kids, Lessons, Life, Mothers, Parenting, Sex, Teenagers, vacations, Women

Traffic stoppers

October 23, 2010 Leave a comment

Early yesterday evening there was especially heavy traffic at Hwy 290. Come to find out that at the exit there were two HOT men trying to fix a flat. One of them had taken off his shirt and was only wearing his slacks, the second one continued to wear his shirt but loosely, completely unbuttoned and untucked. Every woman and girl in their car was breaking neck to get a glimpse of these super hot Texas men, including myself. Hubba, hubba. Had I not been drooling so hard I would have had the better sense to join several women in taking their pictures on my camera phone. That’s OK, I’ve locked their images in my memory.

Categories: cheap thrills, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Funny, Girl power, Hot men, Life, Sex, Women

Dinner at my house

October 19, 2010 5 comments

Dinner is a favorite time at our house. We have a wipe board in the kitchen and every week we post that week’s dinner menu. My husband is a phenomenal cook which gives everyone more incentive to look forward to it. Unfortunately, since the children outnumber the adults our dinner conversation revolves more around pop culture or kid gossip and less politics or current events.

Here are some of the funnier comments overheard at my dinner table.

Regarding Justin’s 5 million plus Twitter followers. “I think Justin Bieber could beat Obama if he ran for President.”

“I don’t care if you can’t help it, if you fart at this table one more time I’m going to kick your *ss!”

After my brother shared his Kahlua ice cream. “Mommy, am I drunk? Is this drunk? Oh no, I think I might be drunk.”

“Daddy, the dogs keep trying to hump eachother under the table.”

Our meatitarian to the vegetarian. “When Daddy’s not looking give me all your meat and you can have my vegetables.”

The week I tried to make only healthy dinners, this is the night I served only salad. “Mom, are we broke this week? Oh..OK..then where’s our real dinner?”

Same week. I tried to feed my Asian husband brown rice. “What the hell is this?”

“Aw crap, one of the dogs is peeing on my feet.”

This wasn’t even my kid. He was a friend of my son’s and apparently never ate canned meat before. “Wow, this is good. What’s this called again? Corned beef? And they sell it at HEB? Is this Filipino food?” No kid, this is actually family on a budget food.

When I asked why one of the kids didn’t come down for dinner. “We tied her up. She’s still trying to get out.”

Now I realize my family leans a bit towards off-color humor, maybe too much for your taste, but silly as it may sound for an educated adult to say, still, I’ll take that potty humor any day over the grown up stuff. I spend all day, and several hours in the evenings in class, talking about reports, deadlines, equations, and logistics. There’s a time and place for everything and if my kids prefer to laugh at dinner, then I’ll take that. Every chance I get I’ll choose the sounds of their laughter to wrap up my day.

Categories: alcohol, Cheap, cheap thrills, College, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, humor, husband, Inspirational, Kids, Lessons, Life, Marriage, Mothers, Moving, Parenting, Sex, Teenagers, Women

Thongs

September 19, 2010 3 comments

The other day we were at Target and as I put some underwear on the rolling counter my husband made a snarky comment. “Do you have to buy your granny panties from Target?” All I’m thinking is, “Excuse me???” First of all, these are not granny panties, they’re boy shorts and FYI they’re very comfortable. Second, it’s not like we’re at the $1 store.

He wasn’t convinced and still seemed pretty irate with me. This coming from the guy who likes to wear his shades at night. I mean seriously, don’t make me go there. Besides, we’re so past that point in our relationship where he even saw me in my undergarments anymore. The only time he was gonna’ see those things would be when we did the laundry.

I remember the days it was nothing to drop a bill on buying a handful of thongs at Victoria’s Secret, but that just seems ages ago. Four kids and a mortgage to pay later, I’d rather use that $100 to pay my electric bill.

I don’t know, I guess I’m older, wiser. These days my notion of sexy comes from a higher place than wearing a piece of cloth riding up my butt. Ladies, that’s actually code for “in the last few years my ass has grown to out of control proportions and I refuse to ask some cute little sales woman half my size to help me find a size XL thong”.

Epilogue…

I just received a comment from a wise friend who opposed my initial view and fear of the intimidating tiny thong. She pointed out that thongs served as a reminder to our husbands of how lucky they are to have us; hence, “every now and then the thongs need to be on display!” She also noted that “the marriage bed is holy and undefiled”. (Look that up, I had to. It’s actually pretty good.)

I believe I’ve just been schooled.  Apparently, if I want to remind my husband, and myself, of the inner and outer sexiness I possess I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pull out the thongs, or as she referred to them, “the sexies”. *Sigh*

OK, I can dig that. After all, my man did buy me that gorgeous Burberry purse last month and I have yet to show him the full measure of my gratitude.

Ladies and gents, wish me and my derriere luck, I’m gonna’ need it.

Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18TLHhhHZCA

 

Categories: Asian, Cheap, cheap thrills, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, humor, husband, Lack of sex, Life, Marriage, Sex Tags: , , , , , ,