Maria's Random Rants

One of the many disadvantages of divorce is that, like a deer in headlights, you find yourself thrust back into the dating pool – but now you’re near middle age, carrying a lifetime of baggage,  your body bearing the battle scars of carrying three children, and worst of all, you have to navigate how to date in this current era of online date shopping. It’s all pretty darn overwhelming.

After 18 years of being with the same man you’ve dated since you were 19, it’s hard not to feel ill equipped for this new world of single ladyhood. Few friends can relate because everyone else your age is happily hitched. (Mind you, some days, that feels like added insult to injury.) So you have a lot of internal dialogue to walk yourself through how dating is supposed to work. (Much like the rest of my life.)

The first thing I learned was I needed to do a bit of an overhaul on my wardrobe. I was now in marketing-self mode and all my mommy khakis and baby doll tees were no longer sufficient for going out attire.  The cute and sexy clothes section of my closet grew from a corner to near half. And I upped my shoe game exponentially. (DSW is very happy with me.)

Next lesson – how to sign up for these dating sites. The dos, don’ts, and better nots. Example: No raunchie selfies laying in bed- fully clothed pics only. Rule of thumb, don’t post anything you would be embarrassed for your children or colleagues to see. Also, don’t worry about replying to every man that pings you. Otherwise, you’ll be buried in writing correspondence. I learned this the hard way.

Despite being interested in less than 95% of the men who sent me a note, I replied to all of them that first week, even just to give polite “rejection” letters. As in, “Hi X, thanks for reaching out. You seem like a nice guy, but I don’t think  we would be a good match. Good luck to you.” I did that until a seemingly quiet and nice looking 60yo-ish man wrote back and told me to, “Go f yourself you stupid, snobby b!” Hence, I now simply ignore and delete anyone I couldn’t see myself dating.

As for setting up the dating profile, your bio and lists of what you’re interested in and who you’re looking for, well, this is where I have the most trouble, trying to sell myself in 400 characters (not words) or less. How am I supposed to adequately relay to the person on the other side of the screen the traits I’m looking for in a man and why he should date me in 4 sentences? I mean, you’re actually given 5 pics and 4 sentences to convince a man in 20 seconds whether he should swipe right for “interested”. D*mn right, I find that a challenge. (‘Course, it’s a good thing I’m a writer.) So, here’s how my profile reads now.

Cute, funny, smarter than the average bear. Single mom to four great kids, hard working professional by day, law student by night. What catches my attention? Good looks, education, and charm. What keeps my attention? Dialogue, appreciation and respect.

Now that’s the Cliff Notes version of my dating profile, but if OKCupid and the rest of these online dating aps would give me more than a tiny space to write, I would have some leg room to actually keep it real and add…

Other important things to note before you swipe right:

I have my sh*t together. You should, too.

I clean up nice, but have my share of days when I’m so tired I look a little homeless, and forget to put on deodorant. (Don’t worry, that doesn’t happen often, mostly during finals.)

If you ask me to split the bill with you on our first date, that will be our last date and then I’ll turn your face into an internet meme captioned, “See X. X is a cheap bastard. Don’t be X.”

I have a lot of kids and dogs. I’m not shopping for their dad, I’ve got that covered, but you’ll need to, at least, like them all. If the best you can do is “tolerate” them, you and I won’t work. Period.

On that note, I have mama’s boys, and if you do me wrong they’ll probably key your car.

If you have a dead fish handshake, I will stop dating you.

Use proper grammar and full sentences in your bio. At least, know the difference between “you’re” and “your”. Not doing so is an insult to your 5th grade teacher.

If you don’t own any books or magazines, I’m out. You have to read. You just do. It’s my deal breaker. (And no, Maxim and Ikea magazines do not count.)

8 out of 10 of the meals you eat with me will be served with rice. It’s an Asian thing. You don’t have to eat it with me, just make sure it’s available. (Buy a small bag of Jasmine Milagrosa and stick it in your cupboard. Lots of room for brownie points there.)

I’m Filipino and I cook a lot of Filipino food so if you ever ask me to make you breakfast I won’t be making you pancakes with bacon. Instead, I’ll make you garlic fried rice with eggs over easy, longanisa and a side of vinegar.

I like to eat. It’s my thing. So I’m that girl that will order steak and potatoes, not salad. In fact, I think salad is supposed to be an appetizer not a main entree. Please don’t ever think it’s okay to feed me just salad.

If you own a pair of Crocs, you and I are probably better off just friends.

I believe in 4th meal and it’s usually pan fried or something with nachos.

Unless we are having some deep conversation about life experiences, if you spend more than 10 minutes talking about your ex I will be group texting my friends from underneath the table with lots of “WTF?!” emojis.

I have never been a size 2. Ever. But I am comfortable and confident in my body and my smile. If that’s not good enough for you, you can kick rocks.

I’m also short, but I wear a minimum 4″ heels daily. I have co-workers and neighbors I’ve known for years who have no idea how short I am. I intend to keep it that way.

You need to laugh at my jokes, and have some of your own. Seriously. If we can’t laugh together, we won’t make it past that first date.

Oh, and if you’ve posted a half naked selfie taken anywhere other than the beach or lake, I probably laughed at you while shaking my head. Yes, I know lots of women post those same pics. I’m judging them, too.

Now lets do a quick run through some common sense “No’s”. No, I am not looking for a hook up. No, I am not okay with you being married. No, I will not date you if you are in your 20’s. (I don’t care how “mature” you insist you are). And no, I am not interested in being a sister wife. (Trust me, you don’t want me in that pack. I will run those other women over. They’ll vote me off the island real quick.)

Okay, if we can get past all that…when should we meet? (Public and well lit places only. And know that I carry pepper spray in my purse just in case things get dicey, so best to refrain from sudden movements.)

**Folks, don’t forget I gain a large portion of my readers by word of mouth. If  you like what you read, if I made you laugh, even cry, please do share my blog post. Forward it via email, Tweet it, Like it, Facebook post it, talk about it.** Much love, MS