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Cruise Escapades

November 5, 2010 1 comment

First impression..why are there more Filipino workers on this boat than there are Filipinos in all of Austin? I kept expecting some guest to ask me for fresh towels or to take their order. And why does this ship resemble a 1970’s casino?

Gayribbean…no, I did not make that word up. While I was booking the cruise I was so concerned with affordability I didn’t realize I had booked us on a Gayribbean Cruise. That was the official name. A few hundred gay guys…I’m from San Francisco so it actually took me two days to notice. All good, it wasn’t a bad thing.

Eye candy…I seemed to serve as the eye candy for a lot of the black men on board and in some cruel circle of a joke many of the gay men served as my eye candy.

On using the bathroom…the first time we heard a ship toilet flush

one of the girls was supposed to be taking a shower. It’s a scary sound and we had no idea what it was. I had to send in my oldest son to make sure his sister didn’t get swallowed up by the ship.

Sail and Sign card…the ship ran cashless so you had to charge everything to your room key/Sail and Sign card which was linked to your credit card. My husband was so excited in the first 3o hours he spent $156.00 on drinks for himself. I took away his Sail and Sign card the second night and told him to find another way to be that happy.

Silly things we find amusing…while watching the girls swim on the boat my husband and I watched a four year old boy, who weighed an easy 70 plus pounds, go down the five foot tall mini waterslide at least three dozen times. Each time he slid down the entire front row of sunbathers would get drenched. His oblivious mother kept egging him on once more.

Hairy man contest…this was a real event. There’s nothing like watching heavy and hairy middle aged men, to be exact; a plumber, an A/C guy, an IT manager, and a UPS driver, gyrate shirtless to Dancing Queen by ABBA.

Hip hop dance class..throw on a jumpsuit, wear a pair of Adidas shoes with the fat laces, chew gum from the right side of your mouth, say you’re from Puerto Rico and voila! You have a certified cruise hip hop dance instructer.

Meeting people when you’re drunk…my husband’s first night on the boat he met a guy named Ted. They chatted it up, ran into one another several times, and we actually spent a day in Cozumel with him. It wasn’t until the third day he finally told my husband, “My name is actually Tay, not Ted. I didn’t realize I would end up hanging out with you so much so I didn’t bother correcting you, but I figured if you wanted to keep in touch you should probably know my real name.”

Catamaran sailing..on an excursion in Mexico we were provided with free unlimited margaritas, although they were completely watered down. Caught in the moment, I let my son have his first sip of alcohol. Just as he was taking a sip we passed another boat full of nude people. There was my fourteen year old sipping a margarita and looking at several sets of breasts and then some….talk about walking him into manhood. I tried to get him to close his eyes but he was not trying to hear me one bit.

Afterthought…being on a Carnival cruise line is a lot like being at a week long party on a vessel that resembles Circus Circus with lots of drunk people. We had a ton of fun, but next time around I’m saving up for a Disney cruise. It might be more family friendly.

Categories: alcohol, Cheap, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Hot men, husband, Kids, Life, Marriage, Mothers, Parenting, Sex, Teenagers, vacations, Women

How can you tell when your son is going through puberty?

October 28, 2010 1 comment

He starts taking showers two to three times a day. I’m not kidding. With our older son I thought he just started caring more about his hygiene, but my husband filled me in on the real deal. Initially I was too shocked and stunned to address the issue whereas my husband seemed more proud, in that ridiculous man kind of way. Of course, he didn’t find it so funny when our water bill increased 20%. That’s when he warned our son to “cut your showers down, I mean it, and you know what I’m talking about.” I did my part and started hiding my Victoria’s Secret catalogs.

Categories: Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Kids, Lessons, Marriage, Parenting, Sex, Teenagers

Why does it look like that?

October 25, 2010 7 comments

There’s nothing like buying a new pair of jeans to force you to realize what a fat *ss you’ve become. You find yourself standing in front of the neatly folded piles of jeans for at least ten minutes before you even reach for a pair.

Skinny jeans, boot leg, slight flare, dark wash, acid rinse. So many choices but all you’re concerned with is what size you should be reaching for. You want to grab the 5/6 but realize that’s the size you wish you were, so you start to reach for a 7/8 but remember you haven’t been that size for a few years, so now you start looking for a 9/10 but it’s on the top shelf and you have to ask a salesperson to help you.

Now it feels like a small production because the salesperson has to use a ladder to get your jeans and you start to think, “What if I’m wrong? What if I’m actually an 11/12 now? ” You don’t want to have ask the salesperson for help twice because then you’ll be pegged as one of those women in denial about your size. So in your most nonchalant voice you say to him, “You know, while you’re up there do you mind grabbing an 11/12 for me?” while doing your best not to let on just how much it hurts you to admit that out loud.

Finally with six pairs of jeans tucked under my arm I head off to the dreaded dressing room, where I think women do more self reflection than trying on clothes. I mean, why is it that the lighting in those rooms reveal parts of your body in a way that you just never notice when you’re in front of your own bathroom mirror? You’d think a retail store would want to encourage purchases by using lighting that compliment the shapely figure of all women, not just the perfectly shaped ones. Try dimmer lights Abercrombie!

Note to self: Start an average to plus size woman’s coalition against the inventors of those terrible dressing room lights.

I’ve learned to avoid looking in the dressing room mirror until I’m completely dressed, but out of regretful curiosity that day, I peeked behind my shoulder just as I was sliding the jeans over my buttocks. What a bad idea. All I could think was, “What happened? Why does my butt look like that? It looks so…deflated? And when did it drop? It used to be so damn perky.’

By the time I left the third store empty handed I was tempted to walk into a store that sold those new jeans claiming to enhance your *ss. Of course, after all I’d already put myself through mentally I couldn’t envision walking up to the bored looking sales kid and asking him to point me in the direction of the butt lifting jeans.

*Sigh* One hour later, still no jeans, and all the kids and hubby are blast texting me. I’m having a mid life crisis and all they care about is what time we’re meeting for dinner.

Categories: Crazy, depression, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, humor, husband, Inspirational, Kids, Lessons, Life, Mothers, Women

The lies parents tell…

October 22, 2010 Leave a comment

When we first moved to Texas several years ago those ugly Croc shoes were very trendy. I abhor the things. They give me an itch to go clog dancing. So when the girls each asked me for a pair I told them no. They whined and complained that “everybody wore them, even their classmates”. I refused and finally told them that Asians don’t wear Crocs. Since there aren’t many Asians in Austin I figured they would be hard fetched  to prove me wrong. Besides at the time they were only five years old. Needless to say, they stopped asking.

This evening we were at the mall and saw the newest style of Croc sandals with fur. One of the girls stopped to admire a pair, but the other reminded her “Asians don’t wear Crocs remember?”

Categories: Asian, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Filipino, Funny, Girl power, humor, Kids, Lessons, Life, Mothers, Parenting, Women

Oh no…

October 20, 2010 Leave a comment

I think my youngest son’s new girlfriend might be a bit dense. I was cleaning his room and found a handmade card with big block letters that said, “To my favrite asain, I *heart* you.”

In the least, the poor girl is spelling challenged.

Categories: Asian, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, Life, Mothers, Parenting, Teenagers, Women

1-800-ALGEBRA SUCKS

October 20, 2010 Leave a comment

Believe it or not, I actually like math, I’m good at it. At least when I’m completely focused on it, I’m good at it. But how many working adults with kids have the time to devote to locking down polynomial division and fundamental theorems? As it is I spend several nights a week up until the wee hours trying to teach myself what I didn’t understand in the last class.

I wish there was a 24 hour algebra hotline. I could call them and we could discuss rational functions and inequalities until I actually knew what I was doing. *Sigh* Next semester it’s business statistics. *Urgh* Maybe I should just change my major to theater.

Categories: College, Crazy, depression, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Funny, humor, Lessons, Life, Mothers, trying not to die, Women

Dinner at my house

October 19, 2010 5 comments

Dinner is a favorite time at our house. We have a wipe board in the kitchen and every week we post that week’s dinner menu. My husband is a phenomenal cook which gives everyone more incentive to look forward to it. Unfortunately, since the children outnumber the adults our dinner conversation revolves more around pop culture or kid gossip and less politics or current events.

Here are some of the funnier comments overheard at my dinner table.

Regarding Justin’s 5 million plus Twitter followers. “I think Justin Bieber could beat Obama if he ran for President.”

“I don’t care if you can’t help it, if you fart at this table one more time I’m going to kick your *ss!”

After my brother shared his Kahlua ice cream. “Mommy, am I drunk? Is this drunk? Oh no, I think I might be drunk.”

“Daddy, the dogs keep trying to hump eachother under the table.”

Our meatitarian to the vegetarian. “When Daddy’s not looking give me all your meat and you can have my vegetables.”

The week I tried to make only healthy dinners, this is the night I served only salad. “Mom, are we broke this week? Oh..OK..then where’s our real dinner?”

Same week. I tried to feed my Asian husband brown rice. “What the hell is this?”

“Aw crap, one of the dogs is peeing on my feet.”

This wasn’t even my kid. He was a friend of my son’s and apparently never ate canned meat before. “Wow, this is good. What’s this called again? Corned beef? And they sell it at HEB? Is this Filipino food?” No kid, this is actually family on a budget food.

When I asked why one of the kids didn’t come down for dinner. “We tied her up. She’s still trying to get out.”

Now I realize my family leans a bit towards off-color humor, maybe too much for your taste, but silly as it may sound for an educated adult to say, still, I’ll take that potty humor any day over the grown up stuff. I spend all day, and several hours in the evenings in class, talking about reports, deadlines, equations, and logistics. There’s a time and place for everything and if my kids prefer to laugh at dinner, then I’ll take that. Every chance I get I’ll choose the sounds of their laughter to wrap up my day.

Categories: alcohol, Cheap, cheap thrills, College, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, humor, husband, Inspirational, Kids, Lessons, Life, Marriage, Mothers, Moving, Parenting, Sex, Teenagers, Women

On learning from my mistakes

September 29, 2010 Leave a comment

The first few weeks of living with my first husband entailed a lot of getting used to one another’s personal habits, annoying and otherwise. I should note we were pretty young at the time. One morning he woke up looking at me funny and said, “My mom always told me girls were special, that even their farts smelled like flowers.” He then scrunched up his nose shaking his head side to side and added, “She lied.” We divorced a year later and a few years after we each remarried someone else.

I’ve been with my current husband for almost 16 years. Would you believe in all this time I’ve managed never to pass gas in front of him? I’ve got this one convinced I always smell like flowers.

Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COiIC3A0ROM

Categories: Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, husband, Lessons, Life, Marriage

Top 5 Lessons of Marriage

September 28, 2010 9 comments

Here are the top 5 lessons I’ve learned being with the same man for 16 years.

1.       You will contemplate divorce seriously once or twice a year. A couple times you will even go so far as to pack your bags, skim through the yellow pages for an attorney, or mentally start a getaway plan and calculate the division of assets in your head. Eventually you change your mind and a week later you forgot what you were so worked up about anyways.

2.       Sex stops. You go from frequent to infrequent and then finally to exclusive special occasions only, which is far less than the ten federally observed holidays. Each of you will go through the mourning period separately but then gradually get used to it.  I have heard that some couples rediscover it after the kids are all out of the house. By my count that means I have quite a few more years of abstinence ahead of me.

3.       If you don’t figure out early on that the grass is actually greener on your side and not the neighbors – you’re screwed.  There are always going to be those “picture perfect” couples that make you feel like your marriage must be in bad shape or that single friend who has the freedom you’re envious of. Better believe that picture perfect folks are usually full of sh*t and being single isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Stick to what you got. Cherish your own marriage, with all of it’s imperfections and inconveniences.

4.       There is an extremely thin line between love and hate. You can love someone more than yourself and still manage to hurt him or her with a contradicting callousness. You’ll promise never to hurt one another but you will and if you’re lucky you’ll forgive each other and stay because unconditional means exactly that. You learn to forgive the unforgivable just when you thought you couldn’t.

5.       Relationships have a shelf life. If you don’t work on it daily, yours will expire. This doesn’t mean you have to buy extravagant gifts or celebrate everything under the sun, just show up. Be there. Listen. If my husband eats dinner with me every night and listens to me gripe about work or gossip about people he doesn’t even know, I’m a happy girl. In return, I’ll go to that overpriced sports bar and watch a game that bores me to no end just to keep him company.

In short, marriage is hard work. Sometimes it’s boring, other times painful, and most often downright tiring but if you can find the right person it really is worth it!

Rolling  credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ju8Hr50Ckwk&ob=av2n

Categories: Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Inspirational, Kids, Lack of sex, Life, Marriage, Mothers, Sex, Women Tags: , , , , , , ,

Arguements you can’t win

September 25, 2010 Leave a comment

Have you ever argued with your husband or wife, girlfriend, whatever, and you were so frustrated you yelled back something that didn’t even make sense?

I do it all the time. Sometimes my husband and I even argue over text messages. That’s the worst. You start typing off the handle and all your words come out jumbled, or autotext tries to finish your words, but the software doesn’t recognize profanity so sh*t becomes shirt, an abbreviated f*k becomes fur, and so on.

Yesterday my husband and I were having one of those ‘who can throw more attitude’ arguements and somewhere in the middle I just stopped making sense. The Beastie Boys were on the radio and I made some smart *ss remark like, “I would so leave your *ss for MCA right now,” and the lame part was I don’t even think he heard me because our call dropped.

That’s another thing that bites, fighting on your cell phone and having the call drop while you’re still yelling. It’s awkward calling back because you’re not sure which insults to repeat since you don’t know which ones he already heard before the first call dropped.

Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEM3dW2oWW4

Categories: Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, husband, Life, Marriage

Thongs

September 19, 2010 3 comments

The other day we were at Target and as I put some underwear on the rolling counter my husband made a snarky comment. “Do you have to buy your granny panties from Target?” All I’m thinking is, “Excuse me???” First of all, these are not granny panties, they’re boy shorts and FYI they’re very comfortable. Second, it’s not like we’re at the $1 store.

He wasn’t convinced and still seemed pretty irate with me. This coming from the guy who likes to wear his shades at night. I mean seriously, don’t make me go there. Besides, we’re so past that point in our relationship where he even saw me in my undergarments anymore. The only time he was gonna’ see those things would be when we did the laundry.

I remember the days it was nothing to drop a bill on buying a handful of thongs at Victoria’s Secret, but that just seems ages ago. Four kids and a mortgage to pay later, I’d rather use that $100 to pay my electric bill.

I don’t know, I guess I’m older, wiser. These days my notion of sexy comes from a higher place than wearing a piece of cloth riding up my butt. Ladies, that’s actually code for “in the last few years my ass has grown to out of control proportions and I refuse to ask some cute little sales woman half my size to help me find a size XL thong”.

Epilogue…

I just received a comment from a wise friend who opposed my initial view and fear of the intimidating tiny thong. She pointed out that thongs served as a reminder to our husbands of how lucky they are to have us; hence, “every now and then the thongs need to be on display!” She also noted that “the marriage bed is holy and undefiled”. (Look that up, I had to. It’s actually pretty good.)

I believe I’ve just been schooled.  Apparently, if I want to remind my husband, and myself, of the inner and outer sexiness I possess I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pull out the thongs, or as she referred to them, “the sexies”. *Sigh*

OK, I can dig that. After all, my man did buy me that gorgeous Burberry purse last month and I have yet to show him the full measure of my gratitude.

Ladies and gents, wish me and my derriere luck, I’m gonna’ need it.

Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18TLHhhHZCA

 

Categories: Asian, Cheap, cheap thrills, Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, humor, husband, Lack of sex, Life, Marriage, Sex Tags: , , , , , ,

Protected: What will you choose?

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Categories: Crazy, Dysfunctional, Embarrassing, Family, Funny, Girl power, husband, Inspirational, Kids, Lessons, Life, Mothers, Parenting, Women Tags: , , , , , ,