Archive
Dinner at my house
Dinner is a favorite time at our house. We have a wipe board in the kitchen and every week we post that week’s dinner menu. My husband is a phenomenal cook which gives everyone more incentive to look forward to it. Unfortunately, since the children outnumber the adults our dinner conversation revolves more around pop culture or kid gossip and less politics or current events.
Here are some of the funnier comments overheard at my dinner table.
Regarding Justin’s 5 million plus Twitter followers. “I think Justin Bieber could beat Obama if he ran for President.”
“I don’t care if you can’t help it, if you fart at this table one more time I’m going to kick your *ss!”
After my brother shared his Kahlua ice cream. “Mommy, am I drunk? Is this drunk? Oh no, I think I might be drunk.”
“Daddy, the dogs keep trying to hump eachother under the table.”
Our meatitarian to the vegetarian. “When Daddy’s not looking give me all your meat and you can have my vegetables.”
The week I tried to make only healthy dinners, this is the night I served only salad. “Mom, are we broke this week? Oh..OK..then where’s our real dinner?”
Same week. I tried to feed my Asian husband brown rice. “What the hell is this?”
“Aw crap, one of the dogs is peeing on my feet.”
This wasn’t even my kid. He was a friend of my son’s and apparently never ate canned meat before. “Wow, this is good. What’s this called again? Corned beef? And they sell it at HEB? Is this Filipino food?” No kid, this is actually family on a budget food.
When I asked why one of the kids didn’t come down for dinner. “We tied her up. She’s still trying to get out.”
Now I realize my family leans a bit towards off-color humor, maybe too much for your taste, but silly as it may sound for an educated adult to say, still, I’ll take that potty humor any day over the grown up stuff. I spend all day, and several hours in the evenings in class, talking about reports, deadlines, equations, and logistics. There’s a time and place for everything and if my kids prefer to laugh at dinner, then I’ll take that. Every chance I get I’ll choose the sounds of their laughter to wrap up my day.
On learning from my mistakes
The first few weeks of living with my first husband entailed a lot of getting used to one another’s personal habits, annoying and otherwise. I should note we were pretty young at the time. One morning he woke up looking at me funny and said, “My mom always told me girls were special, that even their farts smelled like flowers.” He then scrunched up his nose shaking his head side to side and added, “She lied.” We divorced a year later and a few years after we each remarried someone else.
I’ve been with my current husband for almost 16 years. Would you believe in all this time I’ve managed never to pass gas in front of him? I’ve got this one convinced I always smell like flowers.
Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=COiIC3A0ROM
Arguements you can’t win
Have you ever argued with your husband or wife, girlfriend, whatever, and you were so frustrated you yelled back something that didn’t even make sense?
I do it all the time. Sometimes my husband and I even argue over text messages. That’s the worst. You start typing off the handle and all your words come out jumbled, or autotext tries to finish your words, but the software doesn’t recognize profanity so sh*t becomes shirt, an abbreviated f*k becomes fur, and so on.
Yesterday my husband and I were having one of those ‘who can throw more attitude’ arguements and somewhere in the middle I just stopped making sense. The Beastie Boys were on the radio and I made some smart *ss remark like, “I would so leave your *ss for MCA right now,” and the lame part was I don’t even think he heard me because our call dropped.
That’s another thing that bites, fighting on your cell phone and having the call drop while you’re still yelling. It’s awkward calling back because you’re not sure which insults to repeat since you don’t know which ones he already heard before the first call dropped.
Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEM3dW2oWW4
Thongs
The other day we were at Target and as I put some underwear on the rolling counter my husband made a snarky comment. “Do you have to buy your granny panties from Target?” All I’m thinking is, “Excuse me???” First of all, these are not granny panties, they’re boy shorts and FYI they’re very comfortable. Second, it’s not like we’re at the $1 store.
He wasn’t convinced and still seemed pretty irate with me. This coming from the guy who likes to wear his shades at night. I mean seriously, don’t make me go there. Besides, we’re so past that point in our relationship where he even saw me in my undergarments anymore. The only time he was gonna’ see those things would be when we did the laundry.
I remember the days it was nothing to drop a bill on buying a handful of thongs at Victoria’s Secret, but that just seems ages ago. Four kids and a mortgage to pay later, I’d rather use that $100 to pay my electric bill.
I don’t know, I guess I’m older, wiser. These days my notion of sexy comes from a higher place than wearing a piece of cloth riding up my butt. Ladies, that’s actually code for “in the last few years my ass has grown to out of control proportions and I refuse to ask some cute little sales woman half my size to help me find a size XL thong”.
Epilogue…
I just received a comment from a wise friend who opposed my initial view and fear of the intimidating tiny thong. She pointed out that thongs served as a reminder to our husbands of how lucky they are to have us; hence, “every now and then the thongs need to be on display!” She also noted that “the marriage bed is holy and undefiled”. (Look that up, I had to. It’s actually pretty good.)
I believe I’ve just been schooled. Apparently, if I want to remind my husband, and myself, of the inner and outer sexiness I possess I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pull out the thongs, or as she referred to them, “the sexies”. *Sigh*
OK, I can dig that. After all, my man did buy me that gorgeous Burberry purse last month and I have yet to show him the full measure of my gratitude.
Ladies and gents, wish me and my derriere luck, I’m gonna’ need it.
Rolling credits for the night.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18TLHhhHZCA
Protected: What will you choose?
Most Popular Rants
- The Business of Fixing Broken
- The Single Parent’s Anthem
- Let’s Keep It Real
- The Things We Wait For
- The Stories They Leave Out of the Marriage Manual
- My Sister’s Keeper
- What The %@#$%^! Is Going On Here?
- Why Does it Look Like That?!?
- This Ain’t No Hallmark Card, It’s a Rant, But an Honest One
- Life Lessons My Dog Taught Me
- Dinner at my House
- The Price We Pay
Check out my interview on Road Trip Nation, ‘A Single Mom’s Story’
Archives
Maria's Random Rants 